_Mockery of year 2011
Mr Shikkar Chhottra,
MBA IB, AIBS
_ Article Written By: Mr Shikhar Chhottra, MBA IB, AIBS
Dt:30-Jan-2012
Statutory warning: This article is accredited with “H” certification so in order to understand it better you need to be humorous.
The year 2011 would be best forgotten by the Indian markets. Stocks have fallen around 25%, making it the second worst year in market history after 2008 when the stocks plunged by 52%. Rupee fell by 20% against dollar. Petrol prices rocketed sky high and now even petrol pumps are selling it in ink droppers. Corporate profits have dropped dramatically but the RBI continues to hold interest rate high, because honestly that’s the only thing left in the country that can be kept high.
Europe has decided that every country will take part its turn in making a big news, so when Greece, Portugal and Spain got bored, Italy took the center stage. The concept of what actually happened in Europe is so complicated that if I try to unravel it in a single article, my computer will explode.
The attempt here is to take you through the events that occurred in the financial space.
JANUARY
The great Gurgaon fraud was unearthed as Shivraj Puri, a relationship manager at Citibank, managed to lose nearly Rs. 300 crores taken from a net high worth investor by putting the money in the market ensuring guarantee returns. He was immediately hired for a top government job.
The Sensex flirted with the 20000 level but it had a big bully boyfriend that beat crap out of it and smacked it back to 18000. RBI calmly explained that inflation will be moderate after March. Onion prices almost matched that of gold prices. Team Anna said that a Jan Lok Pal would bring down the onion prices and tears would be cheaper again.
Goldman Sachs declared that there was “no end in sight to India’s growth boom”, while at the same time telling other people to “get the hell out of India”.
FEBRUARY
Oil prices went to $120 as Libyan crisis worsened. Libya has a lot of good oil unlike the Saudi Arabian oil which has to be sent to hospital for regular checkup, so with Libya out of circulation prices had to go up.
In India, the ban on plastic packaging of Guthka was reaffirmed by the Supreme Court, saying “we’re okay if you get cancer eating that gunk, but god forbid us if we leave something non-bio-degradable material behind”. Team Anna’s take on the matter was a stronger Jan Lok Pal will cure cancer.
Gold went beyond $1400 an ounce, creating panic in arranged-marriage-implied-dowry-demand/supply. Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee lowered tax slabs and brought about some mind boggling changes by giving Rs. 100 crores to a veterinary hospital in Kerela.
MARCH
Stocks rose 10% on the hope that Europe would not find itself drunk silly and lying in the gutter, which we realized in September that it failed to do so. David Sokol announces resignation from Warren Buffet’s firm after it came to light that he has bought shares in some firm without notifying the Big B. this stunned many in India because here this type of behavior is considered good manners.
Japan saw larger earthquakes, a tsunami and a nuclear disaster at Fukushima, a place famous for having earthquakes, tsunami and nuclear disasters. The Japanese said there is nothing to worry as it is completely natural for people to glow in dark. Team Anna’s take was that a Jan Lok Pal would arrest “Nuclear Disaster” and put “Him” in jail.
APRIL
India won the Cricket World Cup; only good Lord knows how they managed to do that, by defeating Sri Lanka in finals. Every state after state offered the cricketers massive amounts of taxpayer’s money, despite many children dying of hunger in those states. More priorities were reinforced as the government, in the choice between a) Governing and b) maligning Team Anna, chose (b), which was a wrong answer.
Suresh Kalmadi Commonwealth Games scam resulted in IMF lowering India’s growth rate to 8.25%. In addition to that Speak Asia scam, where if you paid some money, you earned the privilege of telling your friends how you lost it in just a matter of few months, helped IMF in making there point stronger.
MAY
RBI raised interest rate yet again to 7.25% to control inflation, raised loan provisioning requirement, and lowered GDP projections. This spooked investors, mostly those who didn’t understand a word being said, which turned out to be 95% of the lot.
Osama Bin Laden was taken out in Pakistan after it was revealed that he owed substantial amount to “Navy Seals”, having lost a bet on India-Sri Lanka World Cup final match. “You don’t default with Navy Seals”, this is what they tell you in Taliban schools these days now.
Petrol prices were raised by Rs. 5 per litre. Infosys was investigated for visa fraud case.
JUNE
Diesel prices were increased by Rs. 3 per litre in India, which bought down the difference in diesel and petrol prices from a “gazillion rupee to a gazillion rupee minus 3”. People wanted to protest but they were all busy lined up at filling stations filling up their guzzling SUV’s. Team Anna said cars could be powered by the Jan Lok Pal bill if it was passed.
JULY
There was a “Debt Limit” crisis in U.S. where the politicians debated whether or not the government can afford more of debt. The choices were a) yes, okay and b) No, let the world come to an end. After long discussions they decided to invade Iraq again.
Analyst said that China is “bubble” for the 634,289,127th time. Team Anna said that Jan Lok Pal bill can cure “bubbles”.
AUGUST
Markets fell 8% in the month that was best forgotten, so I don’t remember anything else about it.
SEPTEMBER
RBI raised the tax yet again to 8.25% with companied having to steal petrol from cars to pay back interest.
A rogue UBS trader lost $ 2 billion and managed to hide it from anyone else. How can anyone hide $ 2 billion from anyone?? I can’t even afford to hide mere 20 bucks from my friends while we are standing at a tea shop outside college. Damn me!!
The rupee shot up to Rs 48 against dollar without telling anyone as well. Team Anna said that the Jan Lok Pal bill could make Rs. 1 = $ 48 if it would have been passed by now.
OCTOBER
RBI yet again raised the rate to 8.5 %, I am tired to mentioning it again and again, and so guys next time just presume that the interest rate is going up by .25% every month, prompting bankers that they have to change rates for both borrowing and lending.
MF Global filed for bankruptcy in U.S. and it was discovered that in its dying days it used customer money as collateral for its own trades. This was followed by Italy joining the European Debt Crisis party.
Going to big hole in the sky were Ghazal Maestro Jagjit Singh and the legendary producer of the device that let you listen to those ghazals for $.99, Steve Jobs. Team Anna had nothing to say on this as even they believed that Birth and Death are in the hands of Lord and even Jan Lok Pal bill cannot affect the workings of our Lord!
NOVEMBER
Kingfisher cancelled many flights till January 2012, because it couldn’t pay for fuel, pilots, calendar models, photo shoots, Sid expensive apparels and etc. Greece continued to haunt markets worldwide and while European lenders wondered if they could, or could not, do something, or may be not do something, or do something else.
Second quarter GDP fell to 6.9%, when I quoted by the rise in interest rate being .5% every month, I forgot to mention about the decline in GDP as well, so please guys cooperate with me. It came to a halt as whole of the India was busy in texting and sending emails that 1/11/11 and 11/11/11 are lucky dates for Aishwarya Rai to have her baby.
Moody downgraded Indian banks from “stable” to “negative”, rupee scrambled down to Rs. 51 to a dollar, the stock markets fell below ground level into the basement and was last seen poking the sewage pipes somewhere.
DECEMBER
Nifty proceeded to fell nearly 10% and hit new two year low. Indian govt. in the meantime introduced FDI-in-retail card and quickly withdrew it, so that no one noticed it. Then they introduced Food Security Bill, which will cost the tax payers between Rs. 40000 crore to Rs. 100000 crore. They said the money is not being looted, while ordering a “Mercedes for their Cat”.
The rupee floated somewhere around Rs. 54 to a dollar and industrial production fell 5.1% and inflation stayed above 9%,while RBI learned a new term “stagflation”.
Team Anna was still in the news, angry about everything that happened in the year, especially when all it would have taken was a “Strong Jan Lok Pal Bill”
So in all it has been a year that we would like to write off in our books and ask for tax deductions for. But I guess it will be overshadowed by 2012 where there will be more fireworks from China, Japan, Europe (if it existed) and America. In India the economic news will continue to be depressing unless there is a game changer like “Why this Kolaveri Di” receive an Oscar.
Let’s just hope 2012 bring more hope, cheer and Good Humor!!
P.S.I really miss those days when I used to type “ANNA” on “Google” and the suggestions used to show “ANNA KOURNIKOUVA” but this doesn’t mean that this is the reason I’ve made a mockery of “TEAM ANNA”. It was completely for fun and should not be taken to heart by any due follower of Team Anna (like Aparna Sapra, because I only know one obedient supporter of Team Anna), even I support Anna and respect him for the efforts he has made.
And feel free to disbelieve any fact mention in the article as I could have just made it up to add some taste of “HUMOR”.
Dt:30-Jan-2012
Statutory warning: This article is accredited with “H” certification so in order to understand it better you need to be humorous.
The year 2011 would be best forgotten by the Indian markets. Stocks have fallen around 25%, making it the second worst year in market history after 2008 when the stocks plunged by 52%. Rupee fell by 20% against dollar. Petrol prices rocketed sky high and now even petrol pumps are selling it in ink droppers. Corporate profits have dropped dramatically but the RBI continues to hold interest rate high, because honestly that’s the only thing left in the country that can be kept high.
Europe has decided that every country will take part its turn in making a big news, so when Greece, Portugal and Spain got bored, Italy took the center stage. The concept of what actually happened in Europe is so complicated that if I try to unravel it in a single article, my computer will explode.
The attempt here is to take you through the events that occurred in the financial space.
JANUARY
The great Gurgaon fraud was unearthed as Shivraj Puri, a relationship manager at Citibank, managed to lose nearly Rs. 300 crores taken from a net high worth investor by putting the money in the market ensuring guarantee returns. He was immediately hired for a top government job.
The Sensex flirted with the 20000 level but it had a big bully boyfriend that beat crap out of it and smacked it back to 18000. RBI calmly explained that inflation will be moderate after March. Onion prices almost matched that of gold prices. Team Anna said that a Jan Lok Pal would bring down the onion prices and tears would be cheaper again.
Goldman Sachs declared that there was “no end in sight to India’s growth boom”, while at the same time telling other people to “get the hell out of India”.
FEBRUARY
Oil prices went to $120 as Libyan crisis worsened. Libya has a lot of good oil unlike the Saudi Arabian oil which has to be sent to hospital for regular checkup, so with Libya out of circulation prices had to go up.
In India, the ban on plastic packaging of Guthka was reaffirmed by the Supreme Court, saying “we’re okay if you get cancer eating that gunk, but god forbid us if we leave something non-bio-degradable material behind”. Team Anna’s take on the matter was a stronger Jan Lok Pal will cure cancer.
Gold went beyond $1400 an ounce, creating panic in arranged-marriage-implied-dowry-demand/supply. Finance Minister, Pranab Mukherjee lowered tax slabs and brought about some mind boggling changes by giving Rs. 100 crores to a veterinary hospital in Kerela.
MARCH
Stocks rose 10% on the hope that Europe would not find itself drunk silly and lying in the gutter, which we realized in September that it failed to do so. David Sokol announces resignation from Warren Buffet’s firm after it came to light that he has bought shares in some firm without notifying the Big B. this stunned many in India because here this type of behavior is considered good manners.
Japan saw larger earthquakes, a tsunami and a nuclear disaster at Fukushima, a place famous for having earthquakes, tsunami and nuclear disasters. The Japanese said there is nothing to worry as it is completely natural for people to glow in dark. Team Anna’s take was that a Jan Lok Pal would arrest “Nuclear Disaster” and put “Him” in jail.
APRIL
India won the Cricket World Cup; only good Lord knows how they managed to do that, by defeating Sri Lanka in finals. Every state after state offered the cricketers massive amounts of taxpayer’s money, despite many children dying of hunger in those states. More priorities were reinforced as the government, in the choice between a) Governing and b) maligning Team Anna, chose (b), which was a wrong answer.
Suresh Kalmadi Commonwealth Games scam resulted in IMF lowering India’s growth rate to 8.25%. In addition to that Speak Asia scam, where if you paid some money, you earned the privilege of telling your friends how you lost it in just a matter of few months, helped IMF in making there point stronger.
MAY
RBI raised interest rate yet again to 7.25% to control inflation, raised loan provisioning requirement, and lowered GDP projections. This spooked investors, mostly those who didn’t understand a word being said, which turned out to be 95% of the lot.
Osama Bin Laden was taken out in Pakistan after it was revealed that he owed substantial amount to “Navy Seals”, having lost a bet on India-Sri Lanka World Cup final match. “You don’t default with Navy Seals”, this is what they tell you in Taliban schools these days now.
Petrol prices were raised by Rs. 5 per litre. Infosys was investigated for visa fraud case.
JUNE
Diesel prices were increased by Rs. 3 per litre in India, which bought down the difference in diesel and petrol prices from a “gazillion rupee to a gazillion rupee minus 3”. People wanted to protest but they were all busy lined up at filling stations filling up their guzzling SUV’s. Team Anna said cars could be powered by the Jan Lok Pal bill if it was passed.
JULY
There was a “Debt Limit” crisis in U.S. where the politicians debated whether or not the government can afford more of debt. The choices were a) yes, okay and b) No, let the world come to an end. After long discussions they decided to invade Iraq again.
Analyst said that China is “bubble” for the 634,289,127th time. Team Anna said that Jan Lok Pal bill can cure “bubbles”.
AUGUST
Markets fell 8% in the month that was best forgotten, so I don’t remember anything else about it.
SEPTEMBER
RBI raised the tax yet again to 8.25% with companied having to steal petrol from cars to pay back interest.
A rogue UBS trader lost $ 2 billion and managed to hide it from anyone else. How can anyone hide $ 2 billion from anyone?? I can’t even afford to hide mere 20 bucks from my friends while we are standing at a tea shop outside college. Damn me!!
The rupee shot up to Rs 48 against dollar without telling anyone as well. Team Anna said that the Jan Lok Pal bill could make Rs. 1 = $ 48 if it would have been passed by now.
OCTOBER
RBI yet again raised the rate to 8.5 %, I am tired to mentioning it again and again, and so guys next time just presume that the interest rate is going up by .25% every month, prompting bankers that they have to change rates for both borrowing and lending.
MF Global filed for bankruptcy in U.S. and it was discovered that in its dying days it used customer money as collateral for its own trades. This was followed by Italy joining the European Debt Crisis party.
Going to big hole in the sky were Ghazal Maestro Jagjit Singh and the legendary producer of the device that let you listen to those ghazals for $.99, Steve Jobs. Team Anna had nothing to say on this as even they believed that Birth and Death are in the hands of Lord and even Jan Lok Pal bill cannot affect the workings of our Lord!
NOVEMBER
Kingfisher cancelled many flights till January 2012, because it couldn’t pay for fuel, pilots, calendar models, photo shoots, Sid expensive apparels and etc. Greece continued to haunt markets worldwide and while European lenders wondered if they could, or could not, do something, or may be not do something, or do something else.
Second quarter GDP fell to 6.9%, when I quoted by the rise in interest rate being .5% every month, I forgot to mention about the decline in GDP as well, so please guys cooperate with me. It came to a halt as whole of the India was busy in texting and sending emails that 1/11/11 and 11/11/11 are lucky dates for Aishwarya Rai to have her baby.
Moody downgraded Indian banks from “stable” to “negative”, rupee scrambled down to Rs. 51 to a dollar, the stock markets fell below ground level into the basement and was last seen poking the sewage pipes somewhere.
DECEMBER
Nifty proceeded to fell nearly 10% and hit new two year low. Indian govt. in the meantime introduced FDI-in-retail card and quickly withdrew it, so that no one noticed it. Then they introduced Food Security Bill, which will cost the tax payers between Rs. 40000 crore to Rs. 100000 crore. They said the money is not being looted, while ordering a “Mercedes for their Cat”.
The rupee floated somewhere around Rs. 54 to a dollar and industrial production fell 5.1% and inflation stayed above 9%,while RBI learned a new term “stagflation”.
Team Anna was still in the news, angry about everything that happened in the year, especially when all it would have taken was a “Strong Jan Lok Pal Bill”
So in all it has been a year that we would like to write off in our books and ask for tax deductions for. But I guess it will be overshadowed by 2012 where there will be more fireworks from China, Japan, Europe (if it existed) and America. In India the economic news will continue to be depressing unless there is a game changer like “Why this Kolaveri Di” receive an Oscar.
Let’s just hope 2012 bring more hope, cheer and Good Humor!!
P.S.I really miss those days when I used to type “ANNA” on “Google” and the suggestions used to show “ANNA KOURNIKOUVA” but this doesn’t mean that this is the reason I’ve made a mockery of “TEAM ANNA”. It was completely for fun and should not be taken to heart by any due follower of Team Anna (like Aparna Sapra, because I only know one obedient supporter of Team Anna), even I support Anna and respect him for the efforts he has made.
And feel free to disbelieve any fact mention in the article as I could have just made it up to add some taste of “HUMOR”.